“Just don’t touch me.” My Grandma used to tell this story of when I first started preschool. I sat myself in a chair, and to make it clear that I’d prefer to be left alone, I told the other kids not to touch me. Well, that’s real nice. Lucky for me, I’ve loosened up over time. I mean, there are still times when I just want to be left alone, but I’d like to think my knowledge base for tact, has helped to provide a more delicate delivery. Why is it though, that there are times we still like to go it alone? That we’d rather struggle, than have to ask for help?
There are an infinite number of reasons why we don’t ask for help. Here are a few that come to mind:
- Stubbornness – Lemme just do it. I can do it. I got it, I got it, I got it.
- Pride – I’ve done this more in motherhood. How many times have you been talking to another mom and she makes a point to tell you that she doesn’t have any help? Or someone makes a comment to you that it must be “so nice that you have help”. You ever get the feeling that they don’t think it’s that nice that you have help? So you make it your goal to do as much as you can without calling grandparents, siblings or the neighbor down the street? Guilty. And there’s another element. Us moms are strong. I don’t want anyone to think that I can’t do it on my own. There might be more dinners consisting of cereal and well, cereal. And less nights with a bath. But I’m doing it damn it.
- Not the Right Audience – The last thing you want to feel from someone who’s helping you, is that you have to owe them. There’s a whole Friends episode around this concept of a selfless good deed. If you’re asking for help, the last thing you want, is to add ‘favor’ to your to-do list. If you had that to-do list under control, you wouldn’t be asking for help in the first place.
- Underestimating the Need – I do this all of the time at work. I’ve been tasked with something and I know I can do it. I can see the project at-hand and I can envision my solution…and it’s glorious. I’m so looking forward to conquering the project, that I’ve now underestimated the tasks already on my list and the time that these are already consuming. It feels so much better to tell your manager “I got this”, than “I can do this, but something else is going to have to give”.
- Afraid of Rejection – What if I ask for help, but the person I ask doesn’t think I really need it? That I shouldn’t be “complaining”. This is usually a time when we say “Well that’s the last time I ask _____ for help”.
- Not Feeling Understood – When my son passed away, the classic response from those watching me grieve was “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help”. A very nice thing to say, and I hate to admit, that I’ve probably said it to other people in the years since. Ummm, I couldn’t even hold my own coffee cup – how was I going to pick up the phone and ask for help? I didn’t even know what help looked like. Could I be helped? There were only questions at the beginning, no answers. And if someone thought they had one, I sure as heck didn’t want to hear it.
- Helper Goes Rogue – This is the “you give them an inch” theory. There’s this fear that you’ll ask for one small thing and your helper will take it and run with it.
So what happens when you do ask for help? I feel like I’ve only just started getting used to this idea in the past several years. And let me tell you, help can feel really good – for everyone involved.
So on the flip side:
- Have you ever thought that your helper knows you can do things on your own, but just wants to do something nice to make life a little bit easier for you? Note: when it is a little bit easier – it’s magical.
- It’s just a little help. This might involve you having to “get over yourself” a little bit.
- You’re loved. Help can be used as a sign of affection. Someone is thinking about you. That’s kinda nice, right?
It may not make sense to start accepting help whenever given. But maybe the next time someone asks to help you, you can run through some of these questions and ask yourself why you should or shouldn’t accept the help being offered to you. You’re still allowed to tell people “don’t touch me”, but that might not do anyone any good.
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