We talk a lot about the insanely heartwarming gifts, that are our rainbow babies. There’s no denying it…these babies are something special. They give us hope when things seem hopeless and a possibility that life just might be happy again (no matter how hard we fight it). Celebrating them before their arrival though? Well, that is a bit more complex. We’re seeing it more and more, especially with the world of Pinterest at our fingertips. Rainbow themed baby showers, complete with rainbow cupcakes, rainbow straws, rainbow banners, rainbow fruit medley, rainbow punch, a rainbow mobile and rainbow candy displays. While this is all beautiful and created with the best of intentions, what if, simply put, you don’t want to have a rainbow baby shower? What if the thought of celebrating the upcoming birth of your anxiously awaited rainbow baby is just too much to bear?
Within three months of saying goodbye to my oldest son, I was pregnant with my rainbow baby. While lots of pregnant moms are starting to embrace the idea of being part of the moms club and welcoming any chance to talk about their growing belly and the little person-to-be, I was avoiding babies at all cost. I remember sitting in a Mexican restaurant with my husband (and growing belly). We ordered our food and as we sat waiting, we heard a baby at another table, start to cry. With chip in hand, I froze. I couldn’t get myself to bring it up to my mouth. It’s kinda like those dreams where you’re trying to swim away from a shark, but you can’t move. All I wanted to do was run and hide. As tears started to well, my husband and I looked at each other, both contemplating cancelling our orders and sneaking home. It was just too much to think about our baby that was eventually going to be at the table with us. We were still grieving the one who should have been here, stealing guacamole off my tortilla chip. And these neighboring baby cries were just a reminder of what we had lost. Who we had lost.
Needless to say, the thought of a rainbow themed baby shower, where we all sit around and talk about all things baby, made me incredibly anxious and well, sad. So what’s the best type of shower in this situation? Yup, a non-shower.
In grief, you learn that there are some things that other people will want for you – like happiness. They want to see you smile again. And they want to help you get there. The ‘how’ is what is up for debate. So if you’re just not feelin’ it, but you wouldn’t mind an afternoon with close friends, tell them to put down their rainbow lollipops and think in a different direction:
- No decorations, just lunch – It saves money for the “party planners” and tones things down for you. Less fanfare equals less anxiety. A casual lunch gives everyone a chance to catch-up, and deflect some of that attention away from you.
- Smaller guest list – Who’s been there for you the most, since you lost your child? These are the people to surround yourself with. They’ll truly understand that you don’t have it in you to sip mocktails and be the center of attention. You already know what it’s like to feel like all eyes are on you, and sometimes that’s not a good feeling.
- Spa day – Ok, I recently did a rainbow baby shower spa day, and let.me.tell.you. AMAZING! A full hour where you get to be alone to yourself (except for the magic hands all over your body), and then some time poolside for munchies and drinks. And as an added bonus…people watching! I discovered that poolside is the recommended hangout for hipsters these days.
- Celebrate after baby arrives – Yes, the anxiety will follow you well after the arrival of your rainbow baby, but with the added pregnancy hormones and other decisions you’re faced with (like finding the strength to prepare a nursery once intended, or belonging to, your sweet Angel), it’s simply okay to table this party for a later date. Your rainbow baby will be an excellent distraction for all guests. Again, another tool to deflect from being the center of attention
Lack of rainbow baby streamers, decorations and games are not going to change the fact that this baby is more loved than you ever thought possible. It’s all of those other emotions that Mom needs to sort through right now. Listening to yourself will make you more ready for sleepless nights and the reality that your new little one will be here soon. Do what you want to do. Do what you need to do Rainbow Mama.
5 Essentials to Rediscovering Your Joy After Loss
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