A rainbow baby is a child born after miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.
I discovered this term ‘rainbow baby’ probably within the first week after my son’s death, during one of my desperate Google searches for life after your child dies. I had no idea what was happening, but maybe Google could tell me. My first thought, “Holy crap, there’s a term for it.” This was comforting in several ways. It meant that a different outcome was possible and my son could be a big brother. It also meant that I wasn’t alone in this space of child loss. Before all of this, my Google searches for ‘rainbows’ consisted of ‘pictures of rainbows’, ‘what causes a rainbow’, or ‘somewhere over the rainbow’. Never did I think that this word ‘rainbow’ would be such a heavy, beautiful, terrifying and necessary word in my vocabulary. It is not just a term used to define the births of my children born after the loss of my son. A rainbow baby is so much more than this.
Hope – Of course, they give hope. Rainbow babies are born after something very tragic. When life has suddenly become about questioning everything you thought was good, this beautiful being comes into your life. They make you feel a little bit closer to Heaven and a little more grounded on Earth. Maybe that’s how big the rainbow’s arch is – from Earth, to Heaven and back down again.
Fear – When my rainbow babies were born, my biggest wish was that I would get to keep them. That I wouldn’t have to say goodbye. Several years have gone by and I still look at them and I hope that they get to stay with me, in my arms (yes, even when they’re 40 – I’m destined to be that Mom). I’m not fearful all the time. I can’t live like that. But I do know that I have these thoughts, because I’ve lost a child.
Loss – The term ‘rainbow baby’ exists because I’ve lost a child. So yes, the mention of ‘rainbow baby’ “reminds” me of why I know this term at all. When proudly talking of my rainbow babies to other people (who don’t know the term), I know that it will inevitably lead to talking about my son and his death. Sometimes I welcome this, because what mom doesn’t want to dote on all of their babies. Sometimes it’s too much for my heart, and I keep my son for myself and my rainbows are “my babies”. And let’s be honest, sometimes it’s just awkward. When I’m at my Treasury job, meeting with a bank for the first time, and one of the members asks if I have any kids, it’s much easier to say, “I have two at home”, rather than, “I have three kids, one in heaven and two rainbow babies. Let’s talk numbers, shall we?” And to be clear, when I say “easier”, I’m making it easier for the people around me. I hate not feeling able to talk about all of my kids, all of the time. I will always hate that.
Love – When my son passed away, I could feel people looking at my husband and I. Watching how we grieved. Together and separately. We were well aware of studies and statistics about marriages after child loss. Grief can change people and it can change relationships. Having a rainbow baby, is something special that my husband and I share. I will never take for granted that through all of our grief and sadness, our bond brought with it more life. Our son’s death happened to us. We didn’t have a choice in that. But we made a choice, as a couple, to have another baby. That says something BIG about love.
Change – I try to be cautious of using absolute terms like ‘everything’, but seriously, everything changed with my rainbow babies. The way I parent, my friendships, how and who I make new friends with, how I think about work, time away from my kids, time with my kids…you get the point. I changed.
Strength – Tears are not a sign of weakness over strength. I don’t have to be watching Steel Magnolias to start crying like a (rainbow) baby. Even amongst tears, I know I’m pretty amazing. With the loss of my son, I discovered who I really was. Or rather, the person that I’d end up being. A person who can juggle day-to-day craziness, grief and rainbow baby tantrums.
5 Essentials to Rediscovering Your Joy After Loss
I love your ease of explaining and bringing me right into a conversation. Thank you for reminding and explaining ‘rainbow.’ I look at the sky with new eyes and appreciation when seeing a rainbow. I love and appreciate your outlook.