According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, healing is about making someone well again. Restoring back to health. It can also mean to cause (an undesirable condition) to be overcome. Hmmm, so then what does it mean to overcome something? Well, let’s consult our long-time friend and know-it-all, Merriam-Webster, again. To overcome, is to get the better of. Taken in a black and white context, I suppose these definitions are as good as any. Unfortunately though, life is not lived solely in these two very formal and contrasting shades. For this reason, these definitions cause me to get a little fired up and to be honest, just kinda sad.
I hear this word ‘healing’ A LOT when it comes to talking about the death of my oldest son. From the very beginning, I could see it in people’s eyes. They wanted me to find healing. They wanted me to be healed. They wanted to help me heal. I saw these looks of longing and they were always coupled with worrisome pouts. People didn’t know how to make this healing business actually happen. It’s like I was the teacher, and they were the panicked students, hoping they wouldn’t get called-out in class. I don’t fault people for this at all. I catch myself tossing this worrisome pout out to others even today. When someone is sad, we just want them to feel better. It’s a nice sentiment and it really does sound comforting on a card, but at the end of the day, there’s no road map to chart out the directions to healing. How cool would that be though, am I right? “Google Maps. Please chart the fastest and easiest route to get from wherever the heck this place is, to healed, please. Oh good, I’ll be there by dinner.” There’s also no book written, with the step-by-step instructions proven to work for everyone. If there was, we’re talking New York Times Best Seller. Of all time.
I wanted to be healed too. I wanted to overcome the sadness and be back to my ol’ self (whoever that girl was). After years though, I’ve learned that healing isn’t as clear-cut as the dictionary states. Again, not the dictionary’s fault I suppose. There are a lot of other words that need to be covered. Like ‘twerking’, ‘froyo’ and ‘word salad’. That last one could be used to describe my blog. Keep it.
I’ve been chasing healing for years and at this point, I think I can put the running shoes away. I’m not giving up, but I think this is more of a long distance walking kind of event. That never ends. I’ll never reach the finish line, just like I’ll never be able to go back to the person I was before the race.
In the context of grief, I will never be healed. I will not be restored back to anything. I can’t go back, as much as I really, really want to sometimes. Yes, I will find my new paths to awesomeness, but they’ll be different from prior paths. Smiles are just as big, but they’re motivated by different things. Relationships are built, but their strength stems from knowing that I’m a child loss mom. Tears are inevitable, but their timing is less predictable than ever. Maybe going back isn’t even the right thing to say. I should expand. I want to go back, pick up who I lost and share him with the me I am today. With the family I have today.
It’s probably good that Merriam-Webster kept the definition short, but it should have read more like ‘subjective concept used to describe one’s own relationship with and progressive feelings about pain (both physical or emotional)’. Or put in a more informal way-your relationship with healing is ongoing and it’s all yours. Sometimes it’s your sole focus and other times, you table it until later, because it’s too exhausting to think about. It’s kind of like your first high school romance. No one wants to ask if you’re on or off again and just when you think things are actually going well, you get upset about something you had thought you’d be able to move past. Now you just feel like the crazy girlfriend who can’t let things go (for the record, this is still part of the metaphor).
Here is what I know to be true about healing:
- It’s an ongoing process, so don’t try to cut corners, or tell yourself you’re done with it – you’re not
- It doesn’t mean that you get to go back to how things were, but you do find new ways to be you
- Be proud of the new you, because every step you take within this process should be commended (even when they feel like they’re backwards)
- Healing doesn’t mean that things stop hurting
- It’s more about managing than overcoming sometimes
- It doesn’t mean that a part of you will not be broken anymore. Sometimes life leaves us a little broken.
- Leave the black and white for your formal attire – life comes in lots of different colors
5 Essentials to Rediscovering Your Joy After Loss
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Beautiful ❤️
Your definition is truthful. Some definitions on paper. Some definitions in our hearts. Unlimited characters don’t fit in boxes.
I love you and all of your colors! I LOVE this post, I really needed it today.