When I first started this blog I wrote the content for this page and felt so proud and full of conviction. Here it was, forever memorialized for the world for all of time. It would stand the test of time and be a guiding light.
Until one day I went back to reread it and thought who in the heck wrote this?!
It wasn’t that it was bad (I mean some parts were a little rough), it just wasn’t my truth anymore
Here’s why.
I had my blog redesigned in 2019 (best investment ever). Part of that process was selecting a banner picture to place at the top of the home page. I wanted something that captured being a mom to rainbow babies, my love to laugh and something that showed the readers that living alongside grief can still bring with it playful moments and smiles. This was the picture used on my site banner:
And the added bonus – capturing my unwavering love and weakness for a good donut. I mean life is better because of a glazed old fashioned. Fact.
Okay, fast forward a little over a year later. I’m looking at this same banner and I don’t see myself anywhere (with the exception of the donuts of course).
My kids have brown hair.
They are now bigger and older.
I’m battling Scarring Alopecia (permanent hair loss) and my hair has never been that long.
My tummy has been giving me issues and this woman doesn’t look like she’s ever had to run to a bathroom. I don’t think she even talks about the bathroom.
In an effort to tackle autoimmune fun, I’ve been advised to stay away from gluten. I think a donut is literally gluten with a gluten glaze.
Yes I see her smile but I just don’t feel that other piece.
The piece that shows:
The resilience after going through something challenging.
The knowing that life is just different now, but there’s this light in you that knows it can be beautiful still. And as much as you’ve struggled with embracing the notion, maybe even more beautiful.
You will always reserve the right to share about the struggle.
You need to share the struggle because that is how you find your laugh and move through it all – better.
So enter a new banner image:
And now you may be asking…
What’s with the Umbrella?
When I first decided to start this blog I had several ideas for a name. One was Juggling Rainbows and the others, well, I don’t remember but I can assure you they were phenomenal.
I was driving home from work one night and I’d called my husband to let him know I was on my way home. I asked about what him and the kids were up to.
“We just finished dinner and now it’s bath time.”
I could hear lots of commotion in the background. Lots of baby voices and a tone in my husband’s voice that says, “this place is pure chaos, but we’re getting through it.”
And before we hung up the phone he said, “oh you know, just juggling rainbows over here.”
And that was it. That was the name.
When these rainbow babies arrived, it wasn’t after a storm had magically cleared. To be honest, that notion bothers me, because my son’s life and loss were not a storm – something that passes by.
Their arrival wasn’t a guarantee that obstacles were somehow taken off of the table (of life).
They were now along for whatever was coming up next. The good and the bad.
When it’s raining outside, does it stop you from going outside? Sure, maybe sometimes. I mean, I wouldn’t encourage recess when there are 120mph winds and hail the size of baseballs. But for the most part, if you have somewhere to be and it’s raining outside, what do you do?
You grab your umbrella and keep going.
Sure, this all stemmed from the loss of my son and the arrival of my rainbow babies. But it has evolved into so much more.
Life is still really complicated.
Life is still full of bad weather.
Life is still trying to find the hope and happiness.
Life is holding onto your strength and letting it radiate.
Life is full of color.
So grab your umbrella and keep going friend. Your story is beautiful.
How Juggling Rainbows Can Help
Juggling Rainbows is a place to laugh, cry and remind you to keep it simple – life is tough enough.
Strength – Articles to reiterate the simple fact that you’re pretty awesome – even in those moments when you don’t feel your best, or when life has thrown you a sucky curveball (maybe this is redundant – are all curveballs sucky?)
Simplicity – Articles to teach you how to make sandwiches into the shapes of constellations. Kidding! Just making sure you’re still with me. Articles to show you that sandwiches can still be tasty (even without the bread). Quit putting pressure on yourself and keep it simple.
Smiles – Yup, sometimes we just need to laugh. Even when all signs point to tears, sometimes, we still need laughter.
So continue onto the blog, or read more about me (and that whole grief thing) here.
If you’re still intrigued, here are some of my favorite posts:
Resisting the Urge to Overthink Everything
Winning Toddler Arguments is for Losers
The Truth About Healing: It Comes in Many Different Colors