Ok, I know this is a little late. Mother’s Day was several days ago. I actually started writing this post the day before Mother’s Day, but I had to stop. I was having a hard time evaluating my feelings about the day, when I felt like I was in the thick of it all. I wanted to see how it all played out first, before I provided a recap. I thought I’d lose some serious credibility if I had to issue a retraction. So here is how this Mother’s Day came and went.
Ahh, Mother’s Day. The day for rainbow moms to feel the true depths of what defines them. The sadness for the child(ren) we don’t get to mother (in the traditional sense) and the joy of the child(ren) who hang onto us everyday-literally. It’s a day when we feel like others look at us to table the grief and enjoy our living children. In prior years, I would have paid people off to not say ‘Happy Mother’s Day’. I didn’t want a pancake in the shape of anything, a card with the word ‘happy’ anywhere on it, or a public display of appreciation which would require me to put on a moderately forced smile. It’s been almost four years since my son, Chase, passed away and I was surprised with how much I didn’t feel this Mother’s Day. I’m pretty sure this well-choreographed dance between avoidance and self-preservation, could have won me a mirror ball trophy on Dancing with the Stars. I was grateful for the absence of raw sadness, but that absence of feeling is what actually ended up making me sad. I know, I can’t win.
A friend forwarded me a funny meme the other day. It was highlighting the fact that a child can be standing inches away from Dad, while Mom is out of sight, and the child will still run to find Mom first, to ask for help. These memes are so funny because they tap into the humor that can be found in everyday life. This was a funny one. It was bringing up the underlying truth that us Moms can’t take a break. Even a few minutes to ourselves can prove to be an impossible fete.
This is why spending time alone, on Mother’s Day, has such appeal (and guilt – but that’s for another day). A time to avoid those places where we never feel alone anymore – like the bathroom. These feelings of wanting some time to myself, like lots of Moms, made me feel normal. It also did a great job of masking my rainbow mom desire to be by myself, to grieve for a little bit. I headed to the grocery store at 7:30am. Yes, we needed groceries, but this trip managed to check several things off my list. Ground beef, coffee creamer, alone time and distraction.
Distraction is a great tactic for self-preservation. And in my opinion, it can be a healthy one. Like my grocery store trip. Purposeful and productive. Yes, I don’t think completely avoiding feelings is the way to go, but sometimes you just don’t want to cry. Or you’ve already cried too much.
When I came into work the Monday after Mother’s Day, I had quite a few coworkers ask me how my Mother’s Day was. I really did appreciate them asking (another change from prior years), but I didn’t think every conversation warranted my explanation of why I was pretty proud of myself for keeping it low key. So I went with deflection and asked how their Mother’s Day was. And this year I was actually surprised that hearing about someone else’s Mother’s Day didn’t have the same punch-in-the-face feel that it’s had in prior years.
All in all, some wins and some great use of coping mechanisms. Maybe next year I’ll add pancake mix to my shopping list. I have a year to decide. And my husband has a year to perfect his pancake recipe.
5 Essentials to Rediscovering Your Joy After Loss
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XOXO