The Golden Globes were just on television. I love award season. The red carpet, the entertainment gossip, and the recap of all the wonderful movies being nominated for Best Picture. Most of which I’ve never even heard of. Maybe this is another element of getting older (see prior post Signs I’m Getting Older), but I spend half the night with this look of disbelief on my face as I ask my husband, “Have you ever heard of that movie before?” or “Who is that again?”. And what’s the deal with the Hollywood Foreign Press? I’m pretty sure most of these actors don’t even know who they are, but they’re thanking them anyway. Between my looks of confusion, I’m able to reaffirm my love for Hollywood glamour, unlikely comedic duos and Ryan Gosling. On top of all of this, I’m taking notes for when I too get called up to accept my Best Actress nod. Ok, fine, Best Supporting Actress.
After Chase passed away and prior to his funeral, there were lots of preparations under way. I can honestly say I was completely worthless and didn’t help with any of them. Watching a blade of grass grow would have been a million times more productive than anything I did in those days. In an effort to get me out of the house, my mom took me to get a pedicure. Painting my toenails blue, with a letter ‘C’, for my baby boy, was what I wanted to do. What I needed to do. I walked into the nail salon, still thinking, how on Earth are all of these people still functioning when all I want to do is stand still. And why do nail salons always seem to be playing America’s Funniest Home Videos on loop?
My mom and I were doing our best to entertain the small talk that the staff was attempting, until the man doing my nails asked what the letter ‘C’ was for. Here we go. My first chance to be completely uncomfortable and awkward in a social setting. I told the man the ‘C’ was for my son, Chase, who had passed away the week before. The man nodded. I waited for the condolences to come. They didn’t. Instead, the man asked me how old I was. When I told him I was 34, he quickly responded that I shouldn’t worry. I was still young and could have more children. Uh, what? Thanks? It was at that moment that I realized I was going to have many opportunities to perfect my poker face. Plus punching people every time they say the wrong thing is typically frowned upon, no matter how therapeutic. Pretty sure this would have been my first TKO though.
We all have a great poker face. My opportunity comes when I talk about my children, for others it might be their parents, grandparents, siblings or friends. It’s not just about death – cancer, marital troubles, financial hardships, the list is unfortunately endless. Real life I suppose. We can all tap into something that we keep to ourselves and only let out when the time is right or when we feel safe enough to let it out. We all have the opportunity to win that Best Actor nod. So while I haven’t been in any big screen films, if they ever decide to expand their reach and think outside of the Hollywood box, I’ll be ready with a few thank-yous just in case. Sorry Hollywood Foreign Press. Not this time.
5 Essentials to Rediscovering Your Joy After Loss
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