I honestly thought this was a post I would never write. Not because it’s too emotional – I think we’re past that, don’t you? I just couldn’t picture myself ever packing up all of our belongings, and moving away from our house. Our home. In early days of grief, I couldn’t fathom “leaving my baby”. Our first home was the only home he knew. It’s where he came home from the hospital. It’s where we gathered with friends and family after he passed away. He was here physically and clearly this is where he would still come to visit us as an Angel. Right? I don’t know the logistics of it all, but there is a certain fear that comes with not knowing if Google Maps is available in heaven. Well, here I am, six years after physically saying goodbye to our son, and we’ve recently packed up and said goodbye to our home.
Moving to a new home is not easy, period. Moving to a new home after child loss, yup, pretty painful. We cling onto these memories of the child we once held, and are so afraid of moving further and further away from these memories (figuratively speaking). So, as if purposefully contradicting everything we’ve been trying so hard to cling to, we voluntarily reserve the moving van, get out the packing tape and relocate the welcome mat. Whatever the circumstance surrounding the move (change of pace, new job, great opportunity), it is definitely covered in a blanket of mixed emotions.
If real estate commissions were discounted every time the seller cried during escrow, my agent would have had to pay me a fat check at the end of it all. You’re not alone. Here are some pointers to get you through this emotional home selling/buying process:
The Universe Has a Plan
It has to. Our babies did not die without purpose! Even though this process is painful, there is still that part of you that knows something does in fact feel right about your decision. I’m not saying it’s all daisies and unicorns, but you wouldn’t be going down this path if something wasn’t drawing you to it.
Can I Really Do This?
Short answer – heck yes you can. When it seems too painful to look ahead, try looking back. Ask yourself the question of how it feels if you decide to stay? That’s when I knew I needed to go. I had already worked through some of the emotions tied to moving forward – so much so, that the idea of staying actually started to make me sad. I wanted that better school for my rainbows, the extra space and the bigger backyard. Staying now, would mean I was giving up those dreams for the future. And I still wouldn’t have my son back.
Find the Right Realtor
This is not just a financial transaction. It’s perfectly okay to want to feel emotionally connected to your agent. When our agent first came to our house, she noticed photographs and Angel decorations. It’s one of those awkward moments. From a real estate perspective I was forthcoming that our child did not pass away in our home (as this would need to part of the selling disclosures). I used this as an opportunity to share about our son. In the course of this conversation, I knew we had our agent. She was so apologetic and actually shared of her own fertility and loss struggles. This was no longer an agent talking to a client. This was two rainbow moms, connecting about loss and the importance of family and what a home means to a family.
Paying It Forward
You know it, even before the buyers do, that they are getting a pretty special place. They are moving into a home full of love and one that will be continue to be guarded by an Angel (at least some of the time – we’ll still be keeping him pretty busy from across town).
It’s Okay to Look Back
You’re not closing a chapter for good. Like reading your favorite book; you can revisit it as many times as you want. If you’re moving far away, I of course mean this figuratively. Just don’t feel like you have to force yourself, at all, to say goodbye. You’ve had enough forced goodbyes for one lifetime. You’ll forever be tied to those walls.
The WHOLE Family Is Moving
Yes, I’m going there. There will be signs, even when you least expect it. The stars are brighter on this new side of town and I don’t think that’s on accident. And sometimes, when I least expect it, white butterflies will flutter their way through our backyard, while our two younger children are running through the backyard sprinklers. These things bring me comfort. You WILL find comfort.
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