Dear New Loss Mom,
I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry your baby couldn’t stay. It’s raw, it’s surreal and it’s completely not fair. It just sucks.
At the beginning you’ll feel like time is standing still and life is going on around you. That’s because it is. You’re still trying to figure out how you got to this point and you’ll fight hard not to move forward. You’ll want to be in the past. You’ll want to be with your baby. You should be with your baby. It’s okay to stand still, but be open to taking a step forward.
You’ll question who you are now. It’s inevitable, but please don’t do that. You are an amazing mother whose child felt every bit of the love you gave and continue to give.
Your arms will feel heavy even though they can’t hold your baby. That’s because you feel the weight of everything that’s happening, coming over you. Over time, the weight will get lighter.
You’ll be faced with lots of decisions. Decisions that you shouldn’t ever have to be faced with. Just do your best. Whatever you decide, your baby will think it’s perfect. When you feel like you can’t make any more decisions, delegate. After all the decisions have been made and life gets too quiet, do something that involves little decision-making. Do something for you.
It’s okay to be selfish. You won’t be able to do lots of things, because they will make you sad. People will think they’re being helpful by encouraging you to do things. It’s okay to sit things out. Everyone’s timeline is different, so just follow yours.
People will try to be helpful, but they will be hurtful. It’s not intentional. You now have the superpower to make people feel uncomfortable. You can tell them how they hurt you, try to ignore it, or you can choose to distance yourself. You will find what works best for you.
You’ll wonder what you’re supposed to do now. I wish I had the answer. Just know that your baby doesn’t want you to stay sad.
Hearing the sound of a baby cry or a child’s laugh will crush you. It won’t always be like this.
You will meet amazing people. Be open to it.
You’ll wonder how you can possibly help someone else navigate through grief, when you can barely help yourself. You’ll get there. You will help someone just by being you.
You are not alone. As much as you want to be or as much as it may feel like it, you are not. Ask for help, find someone to talk to. The emotions are overwhelming and you don’t have to keep them in. You shouldn’t.
You will feel guilty. You will question things. Stop it. It’s not your fault. Not even a little bit. All your baby felt was love.
You will grieve differently than your spouse. You won’t feel the same things on the same day. Check-in with each other. Be there for each other.
It doesn’t become easy, but it becomes easier – to live alongside the grief.
You’re forever changed. The old you is gone, but the new you is someone special. You know unconditional love. You feel empathy. You are the mother to an Angel.
How we got here is most likely different, but we share a special bond. You will always be the friend I haven’t met yet. I will cry with you when you need it and laugh with you when you’re ready.
You can do this.
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