I’d like to think of myself as a pretty selfless person. Okay, maybe ‘selfless’ isn’t the right word. I’ll let Mother Teresa have that one. Definitely someone who tries to go with the flow though. I don’t like to rock the boat or make anyone mad. It’s just easier that way. Some would argue that I’m compromising too much of myself. Sometimes I’d agree (because I don’t want to rock the boat, remember). So you can imagine my surprise when my grief counselor told me it’s perfectly okay to be selfish in grief.
In the earlier stages of grief, after my son Chase passed away, my husband and I had a lot of questions for our grief counselor. It made it easier for us to ask her opinion (and take it), because unfortunately her son had also passed away at an early age. We asked her questions, as if there was some sort of rule book we hadn’t been handed a copy of yet. We were stuck in the Introduction, but we were anxiously waiting to see what the future held for us in Chapter Five. Unfortunately grief doesn’t have a rule book. But there is one piece of advice that stuck with us and that I still keep on the edge of my thoughts, even several years out in my grief.
Is it okay to do ______? Is it okay not to do ______? What if I don’t want to talk about it? What if I want to try something different? The questions were endless, and our minds were still numb and spinning. Then our counselor uttered those five beautiful words, “It’s okay to be selfish.” It’s like for a second, some of those dark clouds parted. We were being given permission to grieve – or at least some room to figure it out. We had choices. We’d forgotten, in our tragedy, that not everything is out of our control.
Here are the reasons it’s okay to be selfish in grief:
Because I said so – if you need permission, like I did, well, here you go. Consider this your permission. You’ve been feeling like going your own path, so this is the time to do it. You know what you’re capable of right now, and that’s plenty.
It’s your own path – yes, we’re part of a club that knows grief, but all of our lives that have led us to this point, have been different. You need to take time to reflect on your life and your grief. No one else’s input is needed for this.
You need protection – Life just hit you with a heaping pile of poop. It stinks. And you’re trying to figure out how to cover yourself up, so that it doesn’t happen again. You’ve lost a sense of safety, and exposing yourself to things that may make you feel vulnerable aren’t going to speed up the healing process. In fact, they may hurt it.
Our world today is filled with expectations. How you should treat others. Why you should always be polite. Listen to what others have to say. Be thoughtful to others. Be social. There’s no ‘I’ in team. Well, there’s no ‘I’ anywhere in these equations. It’s okay to put yourself first. Especially when you feel lost, sad and confused. The opposite of selfish, isn’t rude. If the people in your life can’t understand that, then they’re the rude ones.
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❤️ you