Oh man, I kinda don’t even know where to start with this one. This weekend was my oldest son’s angelversary. We decided to take the kids on a weekend getaway to Morro Bay. We had enough credit card travel points and we hadn’t taken a family summer trip yet, so it seemed like a good idea. Let me take that back, it was a great idea. With lots of smiles. What was not factored into this equation was the grief.
The grief is always there and most of the time now I feel like it sits in the corner. Like I can kinda put it on time-out more often than not. But on certain days, like angelversaries, grief decides it’s not going to sit quietly in the corner.
It’s not like a child having a tantrum or plotting total bedroom destruction. It’s more like the curious kid. The one who wanders through the store and touches things after you’ve said not to touch anything. The one who uses their outside voice when you’ve already mentioned that people are still sleeping and an inside voice is more appropriate. The one who keeps tugging on your shirt and asking “can we get it, can we get it”, after you’ve said “we’re just going to look.”
Individual moments that can be expected, but if piled up just right, can be enough to cause you to want to sneak away for your own quiet time-out.
I didn’t cry during our trip. Nope, I waited to do that until I was on the phone with my boss the day I got back to work.
What I did have was a not-so-helpful relationship with booze and an avoidance of emotion. I mean sure, grief can be super exhausting and leaning into it all the time is not productive, but on days when grief has kinda claimed a space, my advice is to just accept that for this brief period, it should have a seat at the table.
So here we are back at home. I’ve taken a few days to reflect back on this weekend because I don’t want to dismiss the happy memories made with my family (at all!). But there was a lot of emotion there that isn’t healthy to ignore either.
And here is what has come from my reflection:
- Plan the trip or getaway – It’s still a great idea to want to celebrate the person you have lost and wanting a change of scenery is normal
- Listen to your heart – You don’t have to sign-up for ever tour and be the uber tourist; it’s not your reason for coming so don’t force it
- Have the drink in the tiki cup – Just because you order the cocktail in the silly cup, doesn’t mean you’re avoiding anything or masking the hurt; you just might know that “taking the edge off” may not be all bad. I’ve discovered that I need to be very mindful of my relationship with alcohol during these times and while I don’t always feel I make the right choice for me (in hindsight), beating myself up about it afterwards isn’t helpful either.
- Walk along the water’s edge – both literally and metaphorically
- Watch movies in the hotel room – This goes back to the one earlier about listening to your heart. It’s okay to not be “on” all the time. The kids love staying in hotel rooms, so it IS still an excursion and you’re not letting anyone down
- There’s always opportunity – If something didn’t feel right for your emotions this year, you can fine tune things next year. There’s always an opportunity to show yourself some grace.
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