I used to wonder what would define me. I mean, sure, I had plans for myself. I was going to go to college, meet a nice guy, find a job I loved (or at least was good at), hopefully be a mom and grow old. Yup, no surprises there. I don’t think that sentence, or at least a subset of it, is too much different than a lot of women out there. Even with those things though, I often wondered, what would be that something extra to set me apart from those around me. I had high hopes that it would be some simple invention that would strike me one day while folding laundry. Or maybe that I’d beat all mathematical odds and win the lottery. I didn’t expect it to be the death of my son.
I definitely think of myself as the Laura before it happened and the Laura I am today. Aren’t there sayings out there like, you shouldn’t let tragedy define you? What’s so wrong if it does? That saying implies to me that I should sweep it under the rug, like it never happened. Move on. Well, that’s definitely not happening. Or maybe it translates to not dwelling on the past. Okay, just back up. Talking about my son and how I’m navigating life without him, is hardly dwelling. It’s called growing. In those early days after Chase’s death, my husband and I learned very quickly that life was not going to let us sit in the corner and find the off switch. Or even if we did choose that route (extremely tempting), life around us would continue to go on. So then the question became, how do we continue? This is where you are expecting some profound answer, right? You and me both. I’m still figuring that one out. Yup, growing.
I wish that this wasn’t my thing, because that would mean that my son was still alive. But since it is, I’m going to accept the things that the new Laura has learned and be open to what comes her way, because clearly life isn’t all about choices.
5 Essentials to Rediscovering Your Joy After Loss
Beautiful Laura! Hey, you know that saying, “what doesn’t kill me make me stronger” ?…..I think it should be, “what defines me makes me stronger”! ….maybe even on the weakest of days. I’m so happy you’re blogging. I always found writing my thoughts to be healing. This is a wonderful way for you to help and provide healing to other Mommy’s too who loves and has lost a child. You’re a wonderful Mommy Laura, not just to your “rainbow babies”, but to your heavenly baby, Chase too! Hugs!
Thank you so much Karen! And yes, I completely agree with your rewrite 🙂 This is a great mantra. I so appreciate your support and friendship. Thank you for reading. We miss our neighbors!
Laura,
I am moved by your meaningful message about your grief following the loss of your son, Chase.
I oversee the Northwest Coast Chapter of The Compassionate Friends and I’d like to include in our March/April newsletter your piece on What Defines Me Makes Me Stronger. I believe your message will help others. Please let me know if this would be okay with you.
As author of the book Why? Why? Why?, I can attest to the benefits of interpreting personal pain, as much as possible, with the written word.
Please keep writing. I believe the insight we bereaved parents have after losing a child is a gift from our child gone too soon. The ability you have to communicate through writing and help others is a real talent.
Thank You.
Georgia Cockerham
Bereaved mom of Zach Ward
Chapter Leader, TCF Northwest Coast
TCF Regional Coordinator, State of Oregon
Hi Georgia!
I finally found your comment! I’m clearly still trying to navigate the tech side of all of this. I am honored and appreciate all that you do and your continued support. As we’ve exchanged in email, I of course would love to make it into the newsletter. Here’s to continued healing.
Laura,
Glad you found it. I’ll be including it in the March/April newsletter and sending you an electronic copy when it is distributed in late February.
Keep up your writing.