After my son passed away, I told myself that if we were able to have more children, I would never take the time with them for granted. I would have the patience of Mother Teresa and my ears would be magically immune to the sounds of toddler tantrums. Well, the universe gave me the gift of my beautiful rainbow babies (children born after loss), but the rest of that stuff was apparently a bunch of grief-fueled delusions.
My biggest moments of mommy guilt are not reserved for those times when I can’t be there with my kids. The biggest mommy guilt moments are when I’m actually with my kids, but I’m so neck-deep in frustrations I’m not “mommying” at my best. Putting my own methods of corrective action into play, I should be in timeout.
The other day was a doozy. The kids were finishing up their lunch and I was watching the clock for nap-time (yes, already feeling guilty for counting down to nap-time). My son tossed his plate on the floor, signifying he was done with lunch. I can think of other ways to get this point across, but I guess this is where we’re at. My daughter was taking a very long time to eat lunch, pushing her food around her plate and asking me to get out her Play-doh instead. I was contemplating whether or not I was going to accept the challenge of getting her to eat some of her lunch, by holding the Play-doh hostage, or just cave in and give her the doh. At the same time, I was trying to do some dishes and run the disposal. After pulling the disposal switch a few times and watching the sink fill with water, I decided to let it rest. I stepped away for a minute to put some food back in our pantry. As I was walking back from the pantry, I noticed water, pouring from the cabinet below our sink, onto the kitchen floor and rug. Apparently the disposal was more than a little tired. My attention immediately goes to accessing the water damage. By this time my son is screaming and crying, because he really is done with lunch. My daughter, feeling like she’s getting nowhere with my attention or Play-doh, stands up on her chair, squints her eyes and pointing her finger at me, shouts “No, you need to listen to ME!” After telling my daughter 4,395 times prior, to not stand on her chair because it’s dangerous, this didn’t strike a nerve AT ALL.
I wish I could say things got easier after nap time, but several more incidents followed that evening. Home stretch. I was putting the kids down for bed. My daughter was trying to get out of bed for the fourth time, when I tried to calmly and sternly explain that it was time for her to go to bed. Once again, she gets out her finger, points it at me and says, “No mommy, it’s time for you to go on timeout!” Someone went on timeout shortly after that and it wasn’t mommy.
I couldn’t be too mad at my daughter. She had an excellent point. I definitely needed a timeout.
Some mommy days just don’t go the way we want them to. That day I felt defeated. The worst part was looking back and realizing that even though things didn’t go as smoothly as I wanted them to, nothing was a real game changer. Everything was fixable or teachable. So why did I let it all get to me? Why couldn’t I just take a few deep breaths and smile through it all? I’d love it if someone would tell me this is where the Mother Teresa level of patience comes into play. It’s just not attainable – so don’t beat yourself up.
We are our own worst critics – most of the time our little ones don’t realize that we’re having a tough time. Do you think my daughter is going to look back and remember that I ignored her request to use Play-doh the afternoon of April 2nd, 2017? Hopefully not – that would be kinda creepy. If you do feel like the kids are picking up on your bad mommy mojo, don’t be afraid to acknowledge it. The other day my husband and my daughter were butting heads during the morning routine. He realized things weren’t going to get better, unless someone hit the reset button.
Being that she’s too young to find said button, my husband asked her if it was okay to start over. She agreed.
There is always opportunity to do better – As a loss mom, there is a part of me that feels sometimes we don’t get another opportunity. I also know that train of thought is not a productive or sustainable way to move through life. We’re talking about being better mommies and that role never stops. As parents we’re always going to look back and have regrets. More time, more fun, more smiles, more money, more patience, more toys, more hugs. Less anger, less frustration, less work, less distraction, less, less, less. Take these things and run with them. You don’t have to solve the equation for being the perfect parent, but if you do something you don’t like, or try something that didn’t make you feel very good, change it. Or try something else. Parenting doesn’t come with a road map – we’re making our own. So it can always get better.
Don’t be afraid to take a timeout – Yes, we’re in the throes of it and most of the time, we can’t take a timeout. At least not a pre scheduled one where we can actually tap out from our responsibilities. But there is nothing wrong with putting yourself to bed early. There are times I know that I just want to start over. That if I’m truly feeling defeated, I need some time to recharge. Will you wake up feeling completely changed? I wouldn’t go to Vegas on that bet – some mommy days are really, really hard. But I do know that staying up later and not getting enough rest isn’t going to be a solution. I’d go to Vegas on that one.
So now the challenge is to practice what I preach. When I get upset over my not-so-great mommy days, I can beat myself up pretty good. I don’t have to be reminded of why I should appreciate every moment with my kids. Why all of my frustrations can be whittled down to things of very little importance in the long-run. Days are short in the language of a lifetime. They aren’t all easy or pretty. If one is tough, take from it what you can and look forward to the next. We place our kids in timeout so they can learn from their mistakes, take a step back, calm down. So it’s definitely okay if we need to do the same.
5 Essentials to Rediscovering Your Joy After Loss
On the flip side, oversleep…. or just play hookie from work one day. 😉
When I took my ‘babies’ (2 under 3 yrs) to Mother’s Day Out (a Church sponsored 3 hr babysitting program once a week) one of the coordinators told me “Motherhood is long days and short years.” She saw my desperation and I remember her words 35 years later. Still true! We do the best we can with what we know at the time. Love endures!
On Point! I relate 100%. My guilt occurs all the time, especially when I am with them. Sometimes work is a welcome relief! Thanks for venting and offering insight because this is my daily struggle.