Empathy is a Talent

We are all born with an inherent and overflowing pool of empathy.  I wish this was a true statement.  That when you look up the word ‘empathy’ in the dictionary, this was the example sentence, reaching out to hug you.  While this isn’t the case, here’s the good news.  Although not entirely inherent at birth, there is an endless supply of empathy up for grabs.  If you reach out and grab it, it means three things:

1. You have the ability to be a total friend magnet.
2. There are lots of people out there who have the ability to totally “get you”.
3. You should probably think about submitting an application for Miss America, because you have a definite chance of sweeping the talent competition!

So what is empathy anyway?  According to an article in Psychology Today, “Empathy is the experience of understanding another person’s condition from their perspective.”  I would have referenced Merriam-Webster, but to be honest, it was a little wordy (even for a dictionary).  Yup, it’s slipping off your cute pumps, boots, Birkenstocks, slippers or flip-flops and stepping into someone else’s footwear.  If it’s not a pair that you’re used to wearing, this can be tough.  It can be painful and uncomfortable.  Awkward and ouchy.  But for the person’s shoes you’re wearing, it can mean so much.

I learned how special this whole empathy business can be, when my son passed away.  In the continuous social experiment, known as life, I got a crash course in understanding what a true talent having empathy is.  When people are faced with someone else’s sadness, the easiest path is avoidance, or what I like to call “making it weird.”

This avoidance stuff is pretty powerful.  Even today, when given the opportunity to offer empathy, I find myself playing tug-o-war with avoidance.  Is avoidance the opposite of empathy?  Not exactly.  But once you’ve made the decision to ignore someone’s pain, it doesn’t exactly pave the way for trust falls and friendship bracelets.  You might think to yourself, maybe they don’t want to talk about it.  Maybe I’m making too much of it if I say something.  Maybe I should just wait for them to come to me.

Maybe you’ve just passed up an opportunity to connect with someone.  To make a friend.

“When I get ready to talk to people, I spend two-thirds of the time thinking what they want to hear and one-third thinking about what I want to say.”

― Abraham Lincoln

Empathy doesn’t have to be reserved for the heavier hitting situations in life.  We’re faced with opportunities to flash our empathy flare on a constant basis.  Am I right, moms?  Sometimes all we’re looking for is another mom to hear our story of finding baby poop on the walls before the morning coffee is made.  Or, while fighting back tears, explaining how you just earned a gold medal for sticking the landing of sleep deprivation.

Empathy is a talent.  If you work at it, you get better.  You feel better and you make someone else feel better.  So borrow someone’s aching pair of strappy sandals sometime, and see what happens.