Cigarettes and booze. That was my first order from the grocery store after Chase passed away. Even today, I don’t think this seems like too unreasonable of a request for those first stages of grief.
My husband’s friends had driven hours to our home to show their support. While Marcus and I were still in a total fog, they were attempting to accomplish those tasks of normalcy that we were going to be ignoring for the foreseeable future.
“We’re headed to the store, can we get you anything?” Our friend’s eyes looked over at me.
I paused, feeling a certain pressure to do the “normal” thing. Like ask someone who’s going to the store to pick up some butter because I suddenly remembered to be out of it.
My response – “Wine…anything wet. Oh and a carton of cigarettes.”
My mom, who thankfully was already at our house, was doing some dishes at the sink. Another example of a task of normalcy.
I wasn’t a smoker. Well, not since I’d embraced the role during my college days. But the request seemed perfectly fine at a time like this. I might even say necessary.
I looked at my mom and she looked at me. Yup, even at 35, I was still testing boundaries. In that moment, I was a daughter.
“You don’t need those.” She looked on with support and a voice of reason.
“Okay fine. I’ll just wait until you’re gone.” Yup, still testing boundaries. I probably could have pushed it here, but it was her loss too and that mattered more to me than what I had going on in my own head.
When grief arrives, it can bring with it swift changes. Like deciding to become a smoker in the matter of minutes. Or wanting to see how quickly you can empty a bottle.
At some point, when this exploratory phase is over, or has quite literally been exhausted, the grief starts to let in other changes. Ones that might be considered to take on a more healthy approach and outcome.
The other day, I was working out in my garage and I was thinking about how far I’ve come from these days of cigarettes and booze. How did I get from a “what’s the freakin’ point” attitude to “I want to give this life my all and inspire others”? Safe to say there’s enough content in that question to last years. And I’ll get to it 🙂
I want to confidently say, I’m proud of myself. ‘Want’ is the key word. I’m still unsure of myself. I’m still scared. Yup, my thoughts still get in my way and they fuel my fears to take the main stage more often than I’d like.
But so what, I’m here and showing up (for myself) more than I used to. A lot more than I used to. And that feels pretty freakin’ good. This moment feels pretty good.
Maybe you’re still trying to light a cigarette off your stove because you can’t find a lighter. Or maybe you spend hours scrolling the internet trying to find inspiration for the next (no, not better – you’re already awesome) version of yourself.
No matter where you’re at, I’m meeting you there.
I’m also happy to report that for the most part I’m now the one at the counter doing dishes and telling you “you don’t need those.”
All from a place of love of course.
5 Essentials to Rediscovering Your Joy After Loss
This was my exact response when my brother died. I was in the valley celebrating my soon to be SIL’s bridal shower. When we got the news, my aunt had to drive me back home. As soon as we got on the road I said stop and get me a beer and some cigarettes. Mind you I hadn’t smoked in years and was totally disgusted by it in every way but it was the only way I could cope for a while. It’s crazy what grief can do. Thank you for continuing to share your heart. I think you are amazing ❤️