I’m just going to jump right in before I lose courage (for the 1 millionth time).
Hi Friend! My name is Laura and I am a Rainbow Baby mom and a mom to my son in Heaven.
There, I said it.
Child Loss
In prior versions of this About me page, I started out by talking about all of the “traditional mom things” first. How I’m juggling nap times, meals, career, etc. Then about ¾ of the way down the page, I’d slip in some comment like “Oh yeah, and my oldest son passed away when he was six months old.”
Come on, Laura.
I know that this was my attempt at being breezy, like I had it all under control in the department of emotional well-being, grief and parenting. And to be honest, I was trying not to scare you off. I was probably trying not to scare myself. Aftereall, this is some pretty heavy stuff.
But you and I deserve this truth. This is why I’m here.
And I’m guessing this is probably one of the reasons why you’re here. You’ve been through child loss, grief, a life event that is definitely less than ideal, and you’re looking for encouragement and a place to feel like you’re not alone. Well, guess what, you’ve found it!
So now what?
Well, this is the part where I tell you about my life and who I have become since my son passed away. Here’s another doozy…I’ve become a better version of myself. A person who has a deep down can’t-shake-it feeling to help other people who are struggling through life’s overwhelm or sadness. I truly believe this is the gift my son has left with me. And I’m still searching for what I should do with this feeling.
And yes, it’s taken me seven years to get here. Why did I ignore this feeling of becoming a better version of myself?
I felt guilty. Like somehow saying I’m a better version of myself translates to not missing my son or being totally okay that he passed away.
It definitely doesn’t. I mean, us moms can miss our kids when they’ve been in the other room for too long, am I right? (This may or may not depend on if they’ve been acting up).
Speaking of Parenting After Child Loss
This last statement is a perfect example of the struggle for us rainbow baby moms. Caught between the emotions of never wanting to be upset with our kids because we know the time is not guaranteed, and understanding that parenthood can just get downright frustrating at times.
Yup, I have two beautiful rainbow babies, my daughter Bree and my youngest son, Matthew.
A lot of the reasons why I started this blog are because it’s hard to find someplace to discuss the waves of sadness that come with child loss, combined with the joy and frustrations (“typical mom stuff”) of continuing to parent children on Earth.
It’s a weird feeling to be parenting on Earth and in Heaven.
I often feel torn between the two.
And it’s hard to find a Mom’s Group where you truly belong. While some moms are talking about the best burp cloths for catching food slime, or the cutest container for housing the first lost tooth, I feel like it’s never the right time to ask if anyone else is terrified to check on their child while they’re sleeping.
I definitely do want to talk about the cutest container for the first tooth, but I also want someone who understands my darkest fears of parenthood, because they also know what it feels like to have those fears come true. Because I know from experience that they happen. And we all deserve to find our tribe.
Health and Wellness
Finding one of my tribes (yes, I believe you can have more than one) has actually led me to discover the world of health and wellness. I feel like this can be such a vague and broad phrase, so allow me to expand.
Several years after my son, Chase, passed away, I was not feeling so hot – emotionally. I was questioning the bigger meaning behind losing my son, while trying to care for Bree and Matthew as two little kids, demanding a lot of my attention, AND feeling the pressure to excel at a career to consistently bring home a paycheck.
Exhausted yet? Yup, me too. Something had to change. I didn’t see these pressures going away (they pretty much make-up the definition of ‘Mom’), so I was in search of something that would better equip me to handle them.
I needed something for myself.
Enter Beachbody. A friend from high school was coaching and I reached out to her. I purchased my Challenge Pack and I have to say, in these past few years I’ve been better for it. I’ve met kindhearted people, lost twenty pounds and have found an outlet, aside from blogging, that helps me better manage my emotions. I’m not ignoring myself or my emotions anymore, and that feels pretty empowering. Sure, things change. But I love how much I have grown as a wife, mom and human being over these past several years. I still struggle with being a Coach (putting myself out there and inviting people), but I do believe in this community and appreciate what it has done for me.
I have also been diagnosed with Frontal Fibrosing Alopecia (scarring hair loss), so I’ve considered this an added reason for trying to find the best ways to take care of myself. I don’t imagine that stress, poor eating habits and an attitude of “what’s the point” are drivers of change when your hair is falling out. And if all else fails, you’ll see some pretty great posts about hair toppers and wigs.
So Here It Is
A blogging rainbow mom who is navigating life after child loss. Finding ways to parent both in Heaven and on Earth the best I can. Embracing being outside of my comfort zone, connecting with new friends, figuring out how to enjoy what’s right in front of me, while trying not to worry about what could happen or what should happen. Being okay with wanting something bigger – to make an impact in this world.
And that means being here for you. Going through life after loss, and learning to embrace new joys is no easy task, but I want this so badly for you. And if you’re struggling, please know that I’m here. Whether for motivation, awkward jokes or a heaping pile of empathy.
I got you!
5 Essentials to Rediscovering Your Joy After Loss
