4 Questions to Answer Before Your Spouse Goes Back to School

When our son Chase passed away, I guess you could say it was somewhat of an aha moment.  I think Oprah reserves this term for those mind blowing moments in life, when a revelation of deep and profound significance slaps you across the face.  I’m of course speaking figuratively, because aha moments should be rewarded, and well that just wouldn’t feel good.

My husband used to be stuck in a job he hated (putting it mildly) and had always regretted not finishing college and getting his degree.  There were times I encouraged him, by saying I would be there to support him, if he ever chose to go back to school. It’s not that we needed him to go back (financially).  To be honest, I was encouraging him, because I knew he was miserable. Having a spouse who is unhappy, can be tricky. I don’t think questions like “How was your day?” should be continually cringe worthy.  The bright spot of my husband’s day was coming home to our happy baby, and capturing first moments and giggles. And when those giggles suddenly turned to nights of silence, there was lots of time to think and reflect.  The thought of going back to that horrible and draining job everyday, made my husband even more depressed. Something had to change.

That’s when we started seriously talking about my husband going back to school.  There was a part of him that was hesitant. Could he really “start all over” at the age of 36?  Here are four questions we considered when deciding if going back to school was the right solution for my husband, and for our growing family:

Does it support your goal or end game?  

Does going back to school support your goal or end game?  Going back to school is the thing that gets you from Point A (current day) to Point B (where it is you want to go).  Can you see where you want to go, or is it a black hole? If you can’t see what’s on the other side, like really see it, then what are you chasing?  Besides student loan debt and lots of homework. I once told a coworker that I’d always thought about going back to school to get my Masters degree. When she first asked “Why?”, I was honestly a little caught off guard.  Where’s the “Good for you!”, “I appreciate your ambition”? She further explained that she was wondering what I was going to do with my Masters degree. It was in that moment that I decided I didn’t need it. It wasn’t going to get me into my dream job.  I was happy with where I was at. Be purposeful about where it will take you.

Does it fit into the budget?

I know, here I go getting all practical on you.  Remember, this post is about going back to school LATER IN LIFE.  My twenty something self would be writing a different post. Before you get ahead of yourself and try to figure out how to come up with $30k, take a deep breath.  Do your homework. I mean, you have to get used to it again anyway, right? Speak to a financial advisor at the school where you’re wanting to attend. They can give you great resources about the process/timing of filing for student loans.  They might even give you some information about scholarships (yay, free money!). We ended up with a good portion of student loans (~$35k). We were able to defer payments until my husband finished school, and we’ve updated our budget to account for these monthly payments.  Don’t be shy about doing research. We don’t always like what the numbers have to say, but they are a big part of the equation (pun intended).

Do you have support?

My husband made the decision to go back to school, but he couldn’t have done it without me.  Before you start thinking “Geez, Laura thinks pretty highly of herself”, let me explain. First off, I am pretty awesome and second of all, a mission is always easier to accomplish when you have support from the people around you.  If my husband had decided to go back to school and I had told him “good luck with that, let me know how it turns out for you”, that would have sucked. Find your cheerleaders! I was in my husband’s corner, proofreading papers, keeping our little rainbows busy while Dad studied, and showing understanding when things couldn’t get done or family trips couldn’t be taken.  There were tests to study for or group assignments to complete. So, could I still occasionally be found chanting “I hate your school” from time to time? Not proud of it, but yup. But overall, my pom poms were the size of Mt. Everest. And it’s not just your spouse, how about friends and parents? You’re going to ask for help, or turn down more people than just your kids. If they can’t see your goal like you do, then that’s their problem not yours.

Does it make you happy?

My husband got to the point where he didn’t feel that he had a choice in life.  Our son had just passed away and he NEEDED something to work for. He needed to find a piece of happy.  And listen, 36 is NOT old! Unless lotto dreams come true, there are still a few decades of work on the horizon.  A few decades is a long time to have regret and to wish you would have gotten to your Point B. Make this change and do something you love and something you can be proud of.

If after reading this, going back to school seems like it could be your ‘aha moment’, then get started – please!  Sure there are some logistics, some conversations and some number crunching, but it could be the best steps you’ve taken.  I’m happy to say, that after 4 years, my husband has become a high school PE teacher and is living his best life. And I look forward to asking how his day was.